I felt a strong attraction to him from day one mentally and physically and its hard to forget about it even though hes been saying these offensive things. Or unhealthy? I dont want to risk, the consequences and possible damage that comes w that drug. I also observed undercurrents of hostile, disrespectful behavior. I could not bear to watch the dynamic as we all used to hang out together. Thats how people meet. I was so wrong. A single copy of these materials may be reprinted for noncommercial personal use only. This the man Ive been there for who has been very depressed. Thats a strong, beautifully empowering thought. Speak of your sincere sorrow or regret. Holding a grudge can be harmful to your physical and mental health. Sign up for free, and stay up to date on research advancements, health tips and current health topics, like COVID-19, plus expertise on managing health. Hurt on top of more hurt, Mary, I would suggest not responding. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2017/01/ce-corner.aspx. Great addition, and true! Holding a grudge can be harmful to your physical and mental health. Become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can't enjoy the present. In retrospect, I sure wish that I had maintained NC when he wrote me again after 20 months. Lessons were learned & I am working on me & my EU tendencies which have been there since childhood I am guessing. Also, misspoke about 77it is 707, as you said. I could at times become quite narcissistic,using (ie disregarding/not considering) others feelings and disregarding the effect of my actions on them emotionally. I dont like all the negative nasty thoughts I have pretty much all the time. Grudges are a form of punishment. You, also have a bonus in the pages of the book that makes you live your success by doing a seemingly trivial thing. Guess Im not as awesome as i originally thought. It is boring and lacks any excitement. Well, ladies, thats male interest candidate #2 in cow-town. But I will feel better! I go long periods of him not crossing my mind then bam, it hits,& I know I still have anger & disappointment towards him. A clean break is no more than him messing with my head when there is no future. Weeks later she sent my son to my house with a dress she bought me. 100%. Forgiveness. I left the train feeling blessed to have run ok nto him & thinking that I wish I had known him better back in the day. Forgiveness can lead to: Healthier relationships. Ive dated many abusers and narcissists in the past who have said awful things to me and I recycle them in my head all the time regardless of how long ago it was. The irony is that people who dont want you to remember are the most likely to use their own recollection of things to their advantage. He replied were not over. It will take time for me to recover and I think for you too.so be patient with yourself.. And it is unfortunately that you have to see him but I understand that you do and I know I will have to do that toofrom time to time but I just hope I will be able to be less triggered as time passes so he wont affect me anymore. I believe moving onto the next guy is a way to avoid this and has the potential to keep you stuck, not to mention that it is not respectful to new guy when you are essentially emotionally unavailable to him. I guess the attraction is that hes intelligent and I thought he was a nice guy. She has proven over and over again what kind of person she is and it's the kind you don't want to be around. Do yourself a huge favor: dont try to make him more than he is. "The feeling that causes you to want to back out is likely a resentment lurking beneath the surface.". Lower blood pressure. information submitted for this request. It breaks my heart a bit. teachable- As you know and have counseled people for yearstheres no making sense of nonsense. It brought back every bad feeling I ever had when I was a little girl. Ironically it was me who introduced him to most of the people we know. "Mayo," "Mayo Clinic," "MayoClinic.org," "Mayo Clinic Healthy Living," and the triple-shield Mayo Clinic logo are trademarks of Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research. Mind, I have no idea how that applies to my situation now, so its probably best not read in the light of that. She finally married her fourth husband and moved away and didnt contact us as often as she had. . Its been several months and I still miss him and his daughter. It isnt rationalizing it all away by thinking the persons bad childhood is the reason the person is a bad person. Whoever it is know theyre pushing you around, beating you up, and hurting you. LavendarCheck in with your feelings and tell us what you think the answer is. Preventing yourself from feeling anything requires a lot of effort, Owen said. February 28th, 2023. If you're truly sorry for something you've said or done and want forgiveness, consider reaching out to those you've harmed. Good people should allow a person to have as many chances as they ask for' and when our typical mode is people pleaser who worries too much about what everyone else thinks and silences their true self to follow 'shoulds' laid down by the inner critic, we go against ourselves. What are you bearing grudges for? Thanks for reminding us of that . But if theyre not, theres probably nothing to be gained from letting them carry on reaping the rewards of being unrepetent on you. I have not been to therapy, but I have researched her behavior thoroughly. This msg came right on time, yesterday church sermon was based on managing relationships in general and the pastor challenged the entire congregation to reach out and correct a relationship my mind went to my ex now let me say he was up front about his incertitude and I should have ended it but I have learnt from this situation. What your friends ex is probably trying to do is blacken her name, hurt her if you become friends with him etc etc. The only emotion I have when I think of her is pity. Im gobsmacked I declined, of course. I know how good it feels when you finally take that step and dont look back. My sister said well, call herShe said, I did. When I reminded him that hed been with another woman at a previous event he said she was just a friend. For me, its BAD men. This time. I did the right thing at first by going no contact for a year. They dont want to look like a bad or unforgiving person and their show of faith that theyre not carrying around resentment, hurt or hostility is to squash down their feelings, opinions, needs, expectations, and wishes, as well as excessive use of the Reset Button erasing the past and conveniently resetting your recollection of things to a point in the past that allows you to pretend as if what followed never happened. The AC is not worthy of forgiveness, he never understood he did wrong and is pulling the same shite all over again with someone else. Please trust yourself. He made sure that I never got what I wanted and needed. Remorse? ReadyforChange, I would advise you not to break NC. Do you think its healthy behavior? How he acted towards me said more about him than it did about me. Im polite he feels validated and off he goes. thts it. I want to report I have gone over 3 months no contact, although I occasionally ask my mutual friend how the ex is doing, in general. Ive maintained NC but Im seething inside that he thinks its OK to just drop me and dismiss me as if I was nothing. The researchers found six main components of holding a grudge, including: Sometimes, we get so obsessed with a grudge that we develop a sort of tunnel vision. Learn. I love this site, and you rock, ladies! I dont expect a reaction he never gets angry or shows any emotion at all in fact. I spoke to my male bestfriend and the consensus was it puts you in a situation where a gesture of kindness could be misinterpreted or make myself vulnerable I decided not to send a truce msg and I think forgiveness from a distance works. Say no to blaming yourself for who people are. But, I wasnt judging them or holding a grudge I just dont really like this group of people and cant see the point in revisiting anything with them at all. If anything ever went wrong in our relationship, I would do ANYTHING to make it better. And dont feel bad, and stop making yourself wrong to please someone who fd up, even if it was the past. Even if that doesnt apply to your pastor, I doubt he meant ex boyfriends. Lavendar, when people tell you who they are.believe them. I definately would be easily tempted to still be nice, and have a selective memory. Note to self: I dont want him in my life and thats okay. health information, we will treat all of that information as protected health These wounds can leave lasting feelings of resentment, bitterness and anger sometimes even hatred. Grudges can go from being minor (sibling rivalry, healthy competition) to borderline dangerous (thoughts of harming someone or seeing their demise in some way). But I dont forget, so I just suck up the awkward icy cordial thing when I see his wife now. This is great! You might not always think that you're still upset with someone over a certain thing, but you very well could be. (I KNOW what I must do btw, simply because I do not want to/or should have to feel nauseus around a so called friend who makes constant referals to women looking hot or staring at my arse at every opportunity). Youre stronger than you think!!! I am definitely tempted to do this! Always follow your instincts. Grace Thank you. Why? Mothers who REALLY love their children, anyway. Funny this applies to a decision I made in relation to a recent school reunion I was invited to. Courtney- thank you so much for your wisdom I know I need to stay out of them soooooo hard. Why People Hold Grudges and What to Do About Them Unfortunately this is a case of When they tell you who they are, believe them. If one day you wish to talk to me again, do so. You cannot treat people that way. Yet she did it anyway. Your child may not see him in the same way as you and children (especially boys) do have a strong need to be around their male parent. Ive thoughtnto myself that maybe i was too critical and expected too much from her, and that if i was more accepting it could work out, but the fact is shes with someone else. So you do. By clicking Sign up, you agree to receive marketing emails from Insider After a 2 year relationship I recently ended the relationshiip and am trying no contact. THANK YOU! Please be more discriminating in the future. Im doing pretty well. I was sexually abused by a family member on her side, and instead of protecting me, she wanted me to be quiet about it to keep the peace. Whenever you have a thought, track it. This is just what I needed to read today, so thank you so much, Natalie. I couldnt really forgive him but I could not let it go either. Lisa. Let's talk about the difference between healthy anger and holding a grudge. You shouldnt have to put yourself through the extra pain of knowing hes with his ex (or not). Mummys boy I had 9 mo r.ship w b4 ex now deceased AC re-entered my life, sent me a facebook friend request y.day. Just wanted to clarify. React Reply zeroth88 Follow Xper 5 Age: 34 , mho 82% +1 y Thank God, today I can chalk it up to experience. Yeah, right. Any thoughts? Sorta-slow-fade. And then, remembering their past actions, not out of anger or vengefulness, allows you to stop and say to yourself before engaging, Hmmmis this likely to happen again with this person? A boundary is wiping that gum off, accepting the evidence that it was once there, but moving forward without that bump. If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment and hostility can take root. There are some tips Ive learned which may or may not work for you but I hope theyll lead to a better understanding of how we can refocus our thoughts. Recognize the value of forgiveness and how it can improve your life. anyways, i still miss my ex and his daughter. My ex told me to stop treating him like a stranger and that we should just be nice to each other erm, you cheated on me and abused me physically and emotionally HELLOOO!?? I certainly do have amnesia when I conveniently forget about all the hurt that he has caused me and continued to cause me before I went NC and could get a clearer perspective. Theyre either in or theyre out!When you say no to being in one-sided and lopsided relationships, you say yes to loving yourself and prioritising mutually fulfilling relationships with love, care, trust and respect.Dont forget that my book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Please, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want, comes out this month. It is taking its toll, Im not looking after myself they way I should, etc., but I hope that with time and strength things will change for the better. Feeling assured he aint a bad man assclown who messed me up.because im plesant to him. You need to ask yourself why. If youre mostly concerned with the other person understanding where you were coming from and ensuring that they see your side of things, thats another potential sign that you might be holding a grudge. The weird thing is that I didnt myself realise how bad it had been, until he was gone. You think. Lets call sin by its name, shall we? Then I would take whatever my answer was and apply it to my situation. Whatever happens, commit to treating others with compassion, empathy and respect. That way he cant send you any! Pleasewe need to remember not to treat men we are dating and potentially hurt them in precisely the same ways which have brought so many of us to places of terrible pain, regret and confusion. document.getElementById( "ak_js_2" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); document.getElementById( "ak_js_3" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Sign up for our newsletter and receive our top articles The Connection Between ADHD & Forgiveness - The Holderness Family He couldnt even buy a coffee without being all charming and seductive with the girl behind the counter. This content does not have an English version. Creating healthier boundaries in all aspects of my life. So Ive given myself time to decompress and feel out the next yeses and nos. I am so proud that I went NC and remain focused on therapy to learn self love, self respect. Wtf. I just didnt see myself living with the b.s. not coming out. I can see myself also potentially being fooled into thinking new intensity means dropping the act. Your post was educational. Not only that, but you can find yourself taking advantage of any opportunity to let your voice be heard. Grudges and boundaries often appear similar, but they are in fact quite different. . If youre praying for them, even in general terms, youre ACTING forgiveness and thats whats important. I think it is fine that he knows that I do not think hes a good guy deserving of me letting bygones be bygones. Not doing it! I had both forgiven and forgotten. You can do so much better. And then I realized, all BR readers should be telling themselves that. I gather OLD has a lot of people who have that agenda. Appreciate you writing this. I wanted to emphasize that our instincts often tell us what we need to know about the guys we tend to date, and if CC feels that way towards any guy, whether its about the guy or about herself, she needs to pay attention and trust herself. Meaning: You won't forget what she did. Deserved forgiveness is passive but empowering, relieving, and offers your wrongdoer new chance new life new opportunity to learn from mistakes made and to grow and to become a better person. And you may be holding a grudge even if you don't think that you are. Drug dealer left town, found another client whose willing to lose even more than you. You might not think that's what you're doing, but it very well could be. At first I thought he just couldnt help himself, it was just his way of relating to people, and he was so sweet and warm that it was no wonder he was universally well-liked, especially by women. He doesnt need to know that you forgive him, you do. Bless you for your response. I havent caught up with my friend since August, and now I know why. So I couldnt. I used to believe that remembering the past only had anger and hurt in it but by remembering and processing it with a perspective thats been increasingly informed by self-care, Im at peace with me and because Im not carrying a load of blame and resentment, I can choose what types of interactions I want to have with a person based on a healthier perspective and manage myself accordingly, safe in the knowledge that Im doing my best to respect each of us in reality instead of being mired in BS. Write in a journal, pray or use guided meditation. Ive even noticed a pattern of late where I can even have a civil, superficially friendly rapport with a EU/AC romantic prospect but keep them at arms length (where they definitely feel the boundary), and thats probably because I called the shots in ending things. I ended up finding out things that still haunt me today. Obviously, it hasnt slowed his stride as he romanced and married a blissfully ignorant woman. Sometimes, you may find that youre holding a grudge even if youre doing so unintentionally. Top editors give you the stories you want delivered right to your inbox each weekday. Lavendar, the fact that youre taking this all in means that on some level you have self-preservation. I am not beating myself up as much for breaking NC as I may have, though. This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged. Asses dont tend to use protection. Maybe a working definition of forgiveness would help? "The feeling that causes you to want to back out is likely a resentment lurking beneath the surface. Sometimes I honestly think that there is a type of person who gets abused and I was just one of those but she showed us that there is no such thing, anyone can be a victim. You may opt-out of email communications at any time by clicking on He also said woe to the person who harms one of these little ones. He keeps telling me that all these women texting him think hes an ass and laughs about it again. I dont want to be around YOU. Recovery is exhausting. This is the first time ever -that I have felt that way. Thanks Bubble I tried explaining to the AC, and to my old friend that or friendship would get affected with this new dynamic and I felt hurt. information highlighted below and resubmit the form. DONT. Sometimes, forgiveness might even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you. Yoghurt- Thank you. But it was FWB even if you wanted more. If I dont keep reading the blogs and referring back to the No Contact Rule book that I downloaded, I can easily go back to my amnesia, not only about this relationship but also the ones in my past!! Holding a grudge likely doesn't make you feel any better about what transpired, but sometimes it just happens. The one who hurt them is "the enemy." It beats being vulnerable. If we keep listening to the shoulds, we just end up stuck in a cycle of lather, rinse, repeat. I know I didnt deserve the hand I was dealt. Its a matter of being able to forgive, but not forgetting. We can have good boundaries on one thing and ridiculous ones on something closely related. Elsevier; 2018. https://www.clinicalkey.com. I will not hold a grudge and I will not press the reset button. And not in a self-righteous, look Im better than you because Ive forgiven you, you lowlife way, but in a genuine, humble way. You were probably not fitting into the fallback position he intended you to be. Learn to say, "I wish you the best.". So this is really really traumatizing and I think made worse because in our other lives we are totally competent together, strong and intelligent women. I have finally, finally made the break from my husband, after years of disrespectful and sometimes abusive behaviour. A truly, kind, genuine man, would not refer to women as loose and sluts, or joke about having many on the go. Define your terms? This doesnt seem very respectful of women, and then he laughs about it. He told me i would fall to pieces if he left, and I feared that he might be right. Better late than never! It was not a playful act, its who he was. There are days that you just want to stay in rather than go anywhere that's true for just about everyone. Frustrating! When you share your feelings and your legitimate feelings make another person defensive, you are not being blamed for holding a grudge. Click here for an email preview. Ive now had a couple months with the MM at work having gotten the message and having backed completely off. Although not of a religious bent I overdid the turn the other cheek and forgive and give the benefit of the doubt thing.

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